13. Urge to Control

This pattern refers to the mentality and behavior of strongly wanting to control the change and development of something one cares about, due to the fear of it going against or out of the scope of what one expects, knows, is used to or likes or dislikes. 

Examples are: 

• In order to make sure your 17-year-old son can do well, you carefully plan and organize everything for him, including what and how much he should eat, who he should and shouldn’t hang out with, what he should study and what hobbies he should pursue etc. 

• When your partner is cooking, or engaged in some other activity, you cannot help telling him/her what to do because you are worried that he/she isn’t doing it well enough. 

• Very often, and in all kinds of situations, you have a strong urge to try to direct or affect the development of things. 

• Often you have the urge to take measures such as offering incentives, tempting, pressuring or even threatening, cheating, blackmailing, bribing or attacking in order to make things go the way you want and meet your expectations.

Related patterns include: Tormented by Loss and Gain, Fixed Expectations, Self-Centeredness, Stubbornness, Unfounded Suspicion, Negativity and Pessimism, Avoiding and Hiding, Competitiveness, Eagerness for Quick Results, Seeking Maximal Certainty, Perfectionism, Driven Solely by Interest and Responding with Negative Emotions. 

This pattern can lead to unhealthy emotions such as stress, feeling pressured, anxiety, fear, frustration, pain, loneliness, anger and feeling helpless. 

It can also create tension and animosity, which can easily lead to unwanted occurrences and deterioration of the situation. 

Exerting strong control out of the fear of things going the wrong way can often take life off the track of health and growth.

• It is important to understand that everything (including every person, thing and object) in the universe has its own law of change and development. Many things cannot be changed by human will. It is therefore against the law and also futile to attempt to control people and things so they can evolve and change according to your own expectations. 

• Fundamentally, no person or thing can be completely controlled by another person. 

• One needs to understand that the urge to control often is only to satisfy one’s own need and to balance and pacify one’s anxiety and uneasiness, no matter how well-intending one claims to be. 

• Cultivate Wu Xin, especially openness and love. Learning to fully accept reality can help deal with the sense of insecurity and the fear and worry for the future. 

• We can have expectations and we should do our best to make things go well. However, it is not necessary to exert overly strong control over the process and outcome. A more relaxed and natural attitude is possible.