19. Resentment and Revenge

Resentment refers to the loss of equilibrium, bitter indignation and hatred one feels in response to feeling unfairly or improperly treated. Revenge refers to the mentality or behavior, driven by resentment and hatred, of resorting to actions or means to punish, ‘teach’ or make the other party pay. When the two are combined, the pattern refers to the mentality and behavior of turning indignation and hatred into a strategy and action imposed on another party. It is seen as the price the other pays for what she has done, and as a way to achieve internal balance. Common strategies and actions include fighting back, punishing, or giving someone a lesson.

Examples are:

• I don’t feel he showed enough friendliness and warmth towards me. I am not going to speak to him anymore.

• He was a bit rude when he talked to me. He’d better not expect me to be polite to him.

• He confronted me and didn’t apologize. Today I humiliated him in front of other people to give him a lesson.

• He embarrassed me in front of so many people today. I will definitely find a chance to make him feel even worse.

• It feels much better to fight back immediately when someone provokes me or makes me feel bad.

• Don’t even try to touch me or anyone I care about or I will pay you back twofold.

Related patterns include: Competitiveness, Fixed Expectations, Polarized Thinking, Ignoring and Avoiding Action, Double Standards, Approval Seeking, Tormented by Loss and Gain, Urge to Control, Exaggerating and Debasing, Responding with Negative Emotions.

This pattern can entrap one in all kinds of negative emotions and continuous conflict with others. Maintaining a relaxed, calm, natural, unified and harmonious state will be impossible. Resentment and revenge can perpetuate small problems and turn them into big problems and complicate them.

• Cultivate Wu Xin, especially love and gratitude. Work on the related patterns.

• Use One Technique and One Attitude to help ascertain the truth, so misunderstandings can be avoided.

• It is necessary to know that every person makes mistakes, including ourselves. Think about how you wish to be treated when you make a mistake. Treat others the same way when they make a mistake. This is fair to both.

• Learn to make a good effort to understand and forgive others in order to gradually dissolve resentment and the desire for revenge. When you can truly forgive, you can stop poisoning yourself and others. Forgiving yourself is part of it. It is essential if you want to have a harmonious relationship with yourself.

• Think long and hard about exactly what resentment and hatred can bring life, apart from endless disasters and suffering.

• Resentment and revenge will only provoke more resentment and revenge, perpetuating a negative cycle. When is the time to put an end to it?