9. Approval Seeking

This pattern refers to the mentality and behavior of excessively desiring, depending on and seeking and ‘facilitating’ other people’s and society’s approval. 

Examples are: 

• When something I have done is not noticed or noticed but not recognized or acknowledged, I feel extremely upset, disappointed, unhappy and that I am being unfairly treated. 
• I am not sure if a decision I have made is a good one unless I have received other people’s confirmation and approval. 
• No matter how many compliments or how much praise I receive, I never feel truly fulfilled, confident, calm, free and valued. 
• I cannot say ‘no’ if it will disappoint people. 

Related patterns include: Excessive Expectations, Making Unnecessary Comparison, Perfectionism, Envy and Jealousy, Competitiveness, Stubbornness, Unfounded Suspicion, Greediness and Exaggerating and Debasing. Related Xin Ling patterns include: lack of openness and lack of trust. 

This pattern can also manifest as a tendency to please others or even fulfill other people’s expectations in order to receive approval. One can easily feel lost – losing oneself and losing direction in life. When no approval is given, life can easily be overcome by negative emotions such as frustration, despondence, confusion, discontent, anger, sadness, depression, loneliness, or a sense of failure. It can also become a source of conflict and make relationships difficult. 

One of the causes of Approval Seeking could be the lack of approval, love, care and support in childhood. It is related to lack of confidence, stability and security. However, on the 

fundamental level, lack of self-approval plays a significant role in this pattern. It can drive one to seek external approval in order to compensate for the internal vacuum.

• It is important to know that self-approval is a basic need on the human nature level. It is closely related to the instinct of ‘seeking benefit and avoiding harm’. Self-approval is one of the cornerstones for establishing self-confidence and self- worth. 
• It is important to know that no matter how much external recognition and approval we receive, it is unlikely to fill the empty space created by a lack of self-approval. One should therefore focus on developing a sound way to view oneself and cultivate self-approval. 
  
• Cultivate Wu Xin, especially trust, openness and love and work on the related patterns. 
• It is important to know that no matter how much effort and progress we have made, there is always room for improvement. No matter how good we are and how hard we try, there will always be people who do not approve of us. 
• Learn to approve of and accept the whole of yourself, and at the same time, keep working on yourself and uplift yourself. This is how true self-approval and a truly valuable life can be realized. 
• We need to truly understand and realize that ‘self- identification’ plays a significant role in supporting the ‘I’, the false self, made up of many unhealthy patterns. This self- identification is the ‘reason’ for the existence of all unhealthy patterns, including the pattern of Approval Seeking. It is only when we are able to break this self-identification that we can establish the new ‘True Self’ identification.